DIY DUI

Birthday Man is drinking a 40 and dancing in his garage. why is the bottle in a bag? he's in his own home!! more disturbing, however, is the fact that no music is playing. he's dancing in the alley by himself to nothing. and then i see him get in his SUV. time for some drunk driving! i consider calling the cops in the interest of public safety, but i didn't get the make or model or license plate number or nothin'. luckily, he returns about 15 minutes later. he gives a warning honk at the end of the alley, waits, inches forward, stops, honks again, waits about a minute, then finally starts moving the last 50 feet to the garage. now the fun part: backing in. 1st try: oh, so close! 2nd: i think the left rear tire hit the side. 3rd: nope. 4th: ok, the left side of the car definitely scraped the wall that time. 5th: stops halfway in for a 2 minute rest. 6th: almost takes off the side mirror. 7th: inches in at last. he comes out for a little celebratory dance, sees that there is no one around to appreciate it (he thinks), and goes inside for the night.

The Birthday Man Cometh

Lydia's here! we go out to her car, and an intoxicated gentleman approaches us from the alley. i'm going to have to approximate what he said, because his enunciation was less than perfect (i almost wrote "annunciation", but that's something else entirely). he says we can sell stuff from his place; he owns the building right over there. firstly, this is a weird thing to say to a stranger. second, i'm going to guess it isn't true. he doesn't exactly have his shit together. he says it's his birthday. i'm guessing this is his excuse for being stinking drunk. Lydia and I wish him a happy one. he tells us he cleans up real good, and takes off his sox hat and messes with his hair to prove it. he's seeming weirder and weirder as time goes on. he mumbles something about his pants, and Lydia and i make a move to put the car between us and him. he starts "talking" a bit louder and follows us. he tries to pull me aside and says something like" i know that building where you live. we all- they all say you the bootiful girl there." that's not creepy... Lydia almost accidentally throws an old smoothie on him, but instead gets me in the foot. i think it's pretty funny because she feels bad. we start walking quickly back to my building and hear him shout "hey! hey, turn around!!" i almost do, but then Lydia says "i bet he's got his penis out." i bet she was right. back in my apartment, i see him stumbling through the alley and into his garage.

I Didn't Need To See That

a man stumbles into the parking lot 3 buildings north of mine and urinates against the fence. sadly, the tiny, widely-spaced metal bars provide little coverage. very very very little coverage.